What Happened?

I always have great plans for my week. I will get this and this done and organize that and that and everything will run smoothly next week. I seem to spend my days at times worrying about what I FORGOT to do that week. I honestly think it part of the reason my blood pressure last week was at 152/101. (Yeah I know) So this weekend I really meant it. I need a routine...better then what I have. I sat down the other night and made a list of how my life has been running and how I want it to run. Here is what I found:

• I have been running my life on "Survival Mode" just trying to make it from one day to the next. Which I think adds to my stress and panic at times when I don't get everything I want done.

• I wasn't putting enough effort into what I have here... I was wallowing in what I felt I had lost. Case in point my so called marriage. In reality I didn't lose my marriage I gained more strength and lost what was wearing me down. I actually made a list of the positive things he and I had over the last 5 years and you know I didn't lose much except the constant energy I was putting into trying to make sure he was happy. Meanwhile he put in zero effort and mostly self pitty.

• I let my health go...so I have once again started to eat better and work out. I never realized how good I felt after TKD classes till I started back.

• I was holding on tight to many fears. I really never use to do that. I always felt in some way the fate is fate and you can't change that. So I have gone back to living my life the best I can and not worrying as much as I use to about what might happen.

In my defense I was hit with one curve ball and one win. And both of these took up time that I didn't plan on. One was with Lin and some Mean Girls at school. Lin can hold her own but sometimes kids can't see the bigger picture because the think they are invincible .Of course we as adults know that no one is invincible. So I went and had a chat with the counselor at school. (Which by the way, helped me to realize how many people do love and care about us.) Then when Lin came home she told me she had taken my advice and gone to the counselor. Oh my, she is growing up! I was very proud.

The other was Alyssa being promoted. I only had 24 hour notice and once again it showed me how much we were loved and cared for.

I have been in my heart so broken about how he could just walk out on us. How he could just leave our beautiful, intelligent girls and how he could just no longer love me....and I have finally I think realized that in order to see the beautiful and love in people you yourself have to have that in you and I sadly feel now he doesn't. He has surrounded his life by the same type of people he is, and I didn't think he will ever really find happiness. He will continue to hide and never really face the truth of his unhappiness. So in reality he hasn't walked out on us... he walked out on himself....we were the only truly real loving people he had.

I think this week I have grown in many positive ways and gotten myself just one step closer to being on track. There is still the issue of my room and laundry. I just need a laundry fairy!