Love, Marriage and Divorce Military Style ( Part Two)

Over the years we have known so many military couples that just didn’t make it. Some were married for over 20 years and still their marriage didn’t survive. It is a very tricky business. I have seen studies that say half of all military marries will end on divorce.

While on recruiting 75% of the families in our station did in fact divorce. I have to say that when someone you think has as strong a marriage as you inform you they are getting a divorce. It can send a twinge of fear in your heart. Not to mention the packet they give you when you in-process while on recruiting. To sum it up…” If you have martial problems before entering into this assignment, find a good divorce lawyer!” The packet alone had Rob and I looking at each other with the “OH SHIT” looks on our faces.

Marriage and the military are difficult and you must be willing to work on it sometimes each one working on alone. How you might ask. Well that is a good question. But each person or family has to answers one that on their own. There is no one way that works best for every one.

While on recruiting duty we decided to live a life as if we were separated when he was working. I cannot ever describe the stress that a military recruiter lives under. Most days we never saw each other unless it was in the middle of the night. I made ALL decision about our home, finances and the children. I would leave him notes and messages and he would leave me notes and messages. And on very good days we actually talked to each other (a skill we would find later we had lost). These days were few and far between. It was a very strange way to live. But it worked for us.

After recruiting we did have a breakdown of sorts. Actually sitting down talking to each other about things in our life was a skill we had to relearn. I was use to making ALL the major decisions for our family and when he was done recruiting and felt he could do this …well I had a hard time letting him.

I felt resentment that now he was stepping into an area that for 3 years, 2 moths and 10 days was my AO. (For you non-acronym speakers that is Area of Operation). He resented the fact that I couldn’t just let him take the place he should have in our family. It was very difficult. But with love and sheer desire to remain a family we made it. Now once again he is gone and it will be a skill we must learn all over again. There are times I wonder how many times we can re-learn this skill before it is totally gone. I’m thinking at least once more.

Yesterday I found out a friends of ours, who is on a hardship tour( he is in Korea) have decided to divorce. Actually he has decided he no longer wants a family and she is in pieces. The fear in her voice and eyes when she told me this was unbelievable.

Think about it. They have been married for 16 years. She has moved with him and her main job has been resetting up the house and taking care of their 3 children.

Now she is being told she has 30 days after the divorce is final to move and to find a place to live (they live in military housing) get job and get the children in school.

Remember the in part one I said ” I have enjoyed the opportunities being and Army wife has offered me. But I also recognize what it has cost me.”

Let me explain what I meant by cost. I have had to quit a job every time we have moved. So I don’t have a great job history. I have great references but I don’t have a history of longevity at any job. I rarely will offer the information that my husbands in the military because when I do I often don’t get the job. I practice don’t ask, don’t tell on this one.

Honestly, would you hire someone you know will be moving in a few years or would you hire someone you knew was stable and going to be in the area permanently?

My friend is a great deal like me. We have both started and stopped going to college. It was too much for me to take care of the girls, house, work, go to school, and when necessary move. I couldn’t do it and she has told me she also couldn’t do it.

Now she has no college education, a work history of short-term jobs, a husband in another country who has decided he no longer wishes to be married and 3 children to think of. Imagine trying to talk to the man you love who has told you he no longer wishes to be married who lives a few thousand miles away.

Getting straight answers is never easy in the military, let them find out your spouse wants to file for divorce and it gets harder. It can make you feel so alone. And other spouses may run and hide. Lets face it that is one of the biggest fears we have. Who wants to witness your biggest fear being played out in your friend? No one.

I will tell you this…we have not left her alone. We being the military spouses here. I am not going to tell you it isn’t hard to watch. Because believe me it is. I think every moment how blessed I am this is not me.

Of course I called Rob to tell him and see what he could offer me to help her. He knows me very, very well and said “ Gail, remember this is not us this is them. Don’t lay awake at night now wondering if we are next. Help her but don’t get in the middle. And yes I still love you and the girls and I am going to come home.”

If you wouldn’t mind adding them both to your prayers I would be grateful. He seems lost and confused and she is devastated.